I am dead.

I wrote this a few weeks ago, and it is the basis for starting this blog.

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For out the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. Matthew 12:34b

I spoke the truth this week. I brought darkness into light. The Spirit of God so stirred me to. I could not sleep. I felt uneasy. Exposing the truth was hard, but I know it was right, and I have learned from this.

Why did God choose me to do that? Who am I? I am dead.

Yes, dead, or so it seems or should be. I am dead. But there are two spirits still battling. My flesh is dead. That has been predetermined. This body will rot, will decay, will only give birth to those that feed off of death. But when my flesh is gone, rotted, dry bones left, no more will there be life in or around my flesh. I will be dead, so I am dead.

I am dead. God’s Spirit is alive. The Spirit is alive—in me. Somewhere in this flesh there is no life but that of the Spirit. Somewhere. Somehow. Some days.

The flesh, the sin nature, likes to try to resurrect itself sometimes. Or maybe it is still alive; I cannot figure that out. The physical and spiritual are so interconnected that I really do not know where one ends and the other begins. Paul understood this. He understood the struggle with sin even though we are supposed to be dead to sin and alive in Christ.

So I find this law at work: when I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!

So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. Romans 7:21-25

Paul says, In my mind [I] am a slave to God’s law, almost as if this is an illusion. Is it only an illusion? Are we all just wretches? Yes! We are. We are still in a state of sin. I am. I am dead. My continuation of sin is proof of that. I am dead.

God the Father, the Son, the Spirit is alive. The Spirit breathes into me the breath of life. The Spirit moves me to action. The Spirit in my heart directs me to speak the truth. I open my mouth, and it speaks. These things happen. They confuse my flesh. My mind asks for understanding, to learn how to be a better man, but there is no being a better man. That is another illusion. The truth is that I am a wretch. I will always be imperfect. My body is dying. My bones already ache. But one day, one time, outside of time, for eternity my spirit, my true self, will be fully redeemed. In a new, holy, perfect body I will glorify God. I will glorify the One who makes both the new and the old. I will be alive. Knowing this, I long for that day. This dead body experiences moments of life, moments when the Spirit of God uses this body to do good works.

Perhaps this is the great mystery of humanity. That a perfect God would use dead, lifeless flesh and breathe into it the breath of life. That God used clay, the dust of the earth, nonliving materials to create life and spirit. That spirit and matter have become one. They were meant to be one. That humans, both a man and a woman, sought to be like God, unhappy with their state of creation, and ate the fruit that caused the separation of the flesh and spirit. This disconnect, this fall, only led to a loving God remaining unchanged, yet now having opportunity to show that love to humanity in new ways. Redemption has since been the greatest manifestation of love. The flesh cannot survive on its own. The Spirit redeems the flesh.

Therefore, I am dead. The Spirit is alive, redeeming, restoring, and giving life to my death. In spite of my death, God is alive. Father, Son, Spirit is alive.