Submission

I wonder still if it’s freedom or fearlessness that I truly desire. For I know this: freedom bound within the confines of a system is worthy of respect. Fearlessness often looked at as freedom outside of a system, can bring much glory or much criticism. And there are times when I think I want both. There are times when I see social norms as safe and life-giving, and times when there is much oppression and misunderstanding. Community standards and expectations do serve a purpose, but have they limited my friends from exploring the world and experiencing grace and truth?

When speaking the truth meant handing over a friend to discipline, I had to try to make sense of what consequences I would be bringing upon myself and others. I had to decide that speaking the truth meant my friend would learn a lesson and possibly modify his behaviors and attitudes. I had to ask myself if my truth was really the truth worth possibly losing a friend over. I had to ask if this is what accountability should look like. I was convicted in that moment, knowing that stepping into that office made me vulnerable to attacks and criticisms on every side. Telling the truth in that moment was either a way to wake up my friend or a door to my own fall and hypocrisy.

Though he kicked and screamed for a moment, he found the new pain was bearable. Getting caught breaking their community standards wasn’t the worst that had happened to him. He said he learned his lesson, but I cannot say for sure that he has, that he won’t break those standards again. In fact, I know he will. I also know that he answers to a higher Authority, and I cannot decide how to discern if that Authority has given authority to the institution. Further, I now want the clarity he has that somehow the institution is wrong. The reason I know he will break their standards is because I have, and we are forever linked. As I watch the powers of the world conflict with the powers above, I cannot help but become more confused in knowing exactly when heavenly Authority has been bestowed upon the kingdoms of this earth. I wonder if when I choose to submit to anyone, in some ways I am denying Our Father and not fully submitting to the Son.

So I can’t decide, and may never be able to decide, if I’m Baptist, Methodist, Presbyterian, Pentecostal, Reformed, Lutheran, Episcopal, Catholic, Protestant, or whatever way you want me to label my religion. If I commit to one, I deny some of the great mystery and attribute of our God, the one and only Father, Son, and Spirit. Perhaps it is only in the mystery of the Trinity that I can find both fearlessness and freedom.